It is again time after emotionally stressful Christmas. I am exhausted. The holiday time contained so many different emotions for me (extreme anxious, desperation, anger, shame, guilt, joy…) that I feel like I need time off to recover from the last 10 days. I don’t understand why I am the way I am. Why I am not so interested about other people and normal life things the way people usually are? I like others and I do need socializing but feels like I need it much less than average people. Normal life makes me exhausted. Life feels like running in a hamster’s wheel. I can’t be so energetic nor social than people try to make me be. (I have very social relatives and they all live in a very traditional way which makes me anxious because that way of living just doesn’t seem to suit for me). I have always been weird. I have been wondering if I am an (outgoing) introvert or do I have Asperger’s syndrome or is this just one way of living in the spectrum of normality. I need A LOT of time to be just by myself. I get stressed with others because they stress over things. Everyone has so many opinions and they discuss about others and judge them and just don’t seem to understand that some people like to live in a different way and need alone time… Mental illnesses are also kinda a taboo amongst the people I live with… I feel always others think I am weird and a bad person because I withdraw from the stress and I don’t have interest to ramble all the time about other people nor stay in touch with others as much as I should. My aim is just to try to find some peace in this crazy life… I also have A LOT of negative emotions from the past that are related to my life and some of my relatives (I am very emotional and sensitive). And all of this emotional chaos and stress just feels overwhelming when you can’t escape from it. And others don’t really truly understand me when I try to explain my feelings. I have a lot of relatives and I am thankful that they keep in touch with each other. But the older I’ve become the more I’ve started to notice that I just want to live in my own way. It feels also sad because that makes me lonely. I am trying to get rid of the traditions and be different while the social pressure makes me feel I should try to be like others. I have tried – trust me (!) but I just can’t make my life work like others can. I also feel my personality is different than the people I grew up with have. I feel I am more bubbly and louder and I need much more experiences while others seem to be more reserved and are happy with traditional life. I feel so bad everywhere (amongst people) that I wish I could just escape to somewhere by myself. Also my work is social. I like socializing but in my own way without any pressure. It feels impossible to find people I feel good with. I am also physically totally exhausted. I have been also wondering for years already if I have some kind of chronic fatigue syndrome. My relatives nor people at work doesn’t believe in such things either… So I am totally lost with life. How can I make it work the way I feel good with? How to find peace within yourself AND related to others? I know I am not alone with these kind of feelings in this world but I do feel I am alone in my own environment. I have been to different psycho therapies for years and read A LOT of self help books and blogs and took part of spiritual courses. I feel I’ve done EVERYTHING to find sense in my life. Maybe the way is just to give up. Give up trying to be liked by others and give up trying to live in the way I am expected. I just wish others wouldn’t consider me as a bad person… Because I am not. I wish only the best for others although I can’t always take part of others’ joy. I wish other people could relax a bit too… We have this life and it is now. I do not understand why we have to rush and why we are so stuck with the traditions and expectations. I think we can live this life in many different ways. The most important thing for me is just to find inner peace and happiness.
Exactly 100 years ago this tiny Nordic and poor country got an important independence. And 100 years later we have made this country one of the best in this world!!! (education, equality, technology, safety, health care, fresh air, environment etc etc). I am so extremely grateful for those generations who had to fight during the years and new wars and keep our independence and build this country every time after wars had ruined everything. This includes my close relatives! I couldn’t be more proud of Finnish gut (SISU) and the attitude that we will survive and make things even better by hard work in very hard weather conditions. Thank you all! In memory my grandmother Elsa 🙂 I understand my own personality nowadays better by hearing stories about my relatives 🙂
By the way – we have this huge and important party in the presidential residence where they invite every independence day a bit under 2000 quests that have made something important. This year one of my closest’s friend’s father is there with his wife 😀 That is cool. Congratulations Finland and keep on going!
I am fighting against the windmills at work all the time… It pisses me off more and more. I can’t stand my idiot boss who just ignores everything I say and just understands nothing and still seems to think she is wiser than I am. It just happened again. I am the only person on my field in this town and there just is WAY too much work for one person. I have no colleagues, I do everything BY MYSELF. And still they take me for granted. I just can’t stand idiot people who understands nothing about the real things and who try to keep me silent by ignoring my arguments about making things better. I work with little children and I really am concerned about their future and I would like to do my best to help them as much as possible now before the problems grow too big. But no – my bosses just do not listen to me… I think most of the people on this earth just don’t have ability to think about things in a wider spectrum. Everybody looks at the elephant from their point of view (which is narrow) and doesn’t listen to other people and how they see things. Here at work everybody is complaining and crying over a spilled coffee and not listening when I try to suggest things that could maybe prevent that cup for falling down. I just don’t know for how long I can take this anymore. It has soon been for four years like this. No working place is perfect so that’s why I still am here. BUT I am nowadays way too often pissed off and many reasons for that comes from work. I really like my closest colleagues but it starts to feel like enough is enough. Although I think everywhere I go I will meet same kinds of people so will I win ever? I don’t think so. I just am slowly giving up. I may need to find another working place. And I don’t think this town will ever understand the real reasons why I left.
So people, please, try to be open to new ideas and suggestions. At least listen to other people and their ideas and discuss about them. That is the only way of making life a bit better.
I was so positive in my last post but now again I feel defeated. I am so tired of going enthusiastically to a job interview and ready to move and start my life elsewhere and then find AGAIN that the job isn’t any better than my current one. Actually the salary is even worse in every place I have been interested about and otherwise the work wouldn’t be that much more interesting. It makes you wonder what is it that you should do with your life. For many years you have tried to date men and “date” new jobs and EVERY time you find yourself disappointed. It is very tiring. I just don’t have energy to try anything new anymore. I just want to be in peace. BUT one dream I still have that I will try to make come true 🙂 And that is a voluntary work in Nepal 🙂 Maybe this job interview was ment to go badly so that I will finally have time to make this dream come true. I think there is always some purpose with defeats. Maybe the universe really is guiding you all the time towards the right tract 🙂 That’s how I have started to view life. So Nepal, here I come! 😀
How to stay positive and keep your dreams alive while living very basic life and watching at the same time other people going forward with their lives the same way you wish you could? It is difficult. Luckily I have deep down very optimistic person inside of me. Exercising, socializing and being active trying to do things you like is the key to stay positive 🙂 You need to put one foot in front of the other and keep on going. Pushing yourself out from the dark and melancholic cave where you have been for a very long time cutting down ties to people and just trying to stay alive (while feeling very depressed from time to time) is hard, I know! But it is possible. You need to do it day after day, one step at the time. You will fall again many times but all the time if you just keep on pushing yourself towards normal life you are slowly getting better and better and suddenly you notice you smile and laugh much more often than you used to 🙂 I am still afraid of letting people come back to my life and coming out from my safe cave but I will do it! Slowly 🙂 I just need more positive people around me who give me courage to try new things.
At the same time it is very important to remind yourself regularly how many things really are well in your life! I am extremely grateful about million things in my life! Do not just concentrate on things that you wish would be better. It is a cliché but true that you need to count your blessings. If your basic things in life are fine (health (especially!), family, a home!, fresh water, food etc etc) then you already have many things to enjoy. I for example enjoy going to a warm shower. It is so enjoyable and a normal thing for me but not for many people on this planet! We need to have dreams and go towards them but we need to keep the humbleness with us at the same time. Life is constant balancing. But exercising really makes you feel better! I highly recommend 🙂 Just came from fitness boxing and I love it! So people, you just need to keep on going and get out from your head! There are so many things to enjoy in life and a lot of beautiful things around you. Peace, love and namaste. And good luck to my dad who just flew to Spain and starts soon a sailing race over the Atlantic ocean with no experience of sailing 😀 Go dad! Life is ment to be lived trying new and scary things! Just come back safe and sound 🙂
“Ships are safe in the harbour but that’s not what they were built for”