I have been thinking life a lot. I’ve started to realize how to live this in the best way. I have had my share of struggles in life. I am a very sensitive person with also a strong personality. Since a very little girl I’ve been trying to find a person who truly loves me and who doesn’t abandon me. My parents got me at a young age and had a lot of their own problems. That of course affected me and our interaction. That loneliness and sorrow have been deep inside of me always. During the growing years I had a lot of difficult life experiences. Because the roots of my identity and feel of security have been very fragile my whole life. I have tried my whole life to get others’ acceptance and tried to figure out what kind of person I should be. I always thought there is something wrong with me.
Now that I am 31 years old and I have been able to live my own life far away from many people (that I love and who love me but still unintentionally make me feel bad) I have been able to start to get to know the real me. The person I am outside other’s opinions and wishes. For the first time ever I have slowly started to gain real mental peace and feelings of real happiness and feeling of being safe. That is something beyond awesome. I have started to feel I am “normal” and have been able to see this world with clear eyes – see all the beauty around us. I am still very much in the middle of this process and I need to be very careful not letting anything shatter this. That is why I still need to be A LOT by myself. Especially because all the close relatives and other people I grew up with are in their lives in much better place than I am. I can’t be around them because even hearing something about them (like hearing another person got a baby yesterday) while I am still recovering from my previous heartbreak that happened almost two years ago….) got me immediately crying and feeling desperate with my own life. I feel I have had to watch other people’s happiness for my whole life while at the same time being sad and lonely myself. Next weekend I will have to face a lot of these people I have been avoiding because it is my sister’s baby’s name giving party. I wasn’t even asked to be a godmother. (I have never been that close with her…).
So I’ve realized I really need to let go of everything and start to focus only on my own life. That’s what others have been doing also… And that’s why they are in a better phase with their lives. And realizing that makes me angry, sad and bitter. I feel life has tricked me. Kept me thinking I need to be something else feeling sometimes deeply depressed and often times a lot of ashamed of me. Those feeligs though only destroy happiness so I need to let go of those also. I need to let go of everything… I am not where I wish I would be and I still need to watch other people’s happiness from side. But…
I think the real warriors are those who cry their sorrow, wipe their tears, stand up and make a plan what to do next. They won’t allow hardships destroy them. They keep on going their own path – no matter how much it differs from the path society makes us believe is the right one. They don’t care about the pressure that comes from outside. They will spread only love and happiness around them – no matter how much they wish they had something that others have. Because only with love you can get love and life is so much better in the good energy. Real warriors don’t use weapons – they use love and determinity. Determinity to never give up and always keep on going forward. They keep on learning and becoming better people. They know that SOMEDAY they will win.
This post I wrote already 23.3. (and I didn’t publish it) but for some reason I accidentally published it now so what the heck – here’s another emotional post from me :D)
I’ve had a real turmoil in my life for the past 6 years or so and I start to be very tired. The last time I got a little breakdown was yesterday. I arrived to Kathmandu, Nepal 5 days ago and since that we have had an intensive curriculum full of lectures and things to do and see. It has been kinda nice but just a little bit too much straight after an intense week at work, being sick for a month just before coming here, travelling 15 hours to get here and then find out how DIFFERENT place this is in ALL ways to what I am used to. And my airport pickup was late about an hour. I have been in a cultural shock feeling anxious and thinking about if I can be here for 5 weeks! I came here to do voluntary work so my accomodation isn’t like a hotel 🙂 I have just tried to forget my fears and be as positive as I can but it has been hard. Then yesterday when I finally was in a good mood feeling this will turn out to be better I lost my camera with hundreds of photos (already) and videos in it in a monkey temple. It just mysteriously disappeared and I thought this is it. No matter what I try in life always something nasty happens. I know it was only a camera but it was just another failure in a row of failures. I was very sad and irritated thinking what bad I have done to deserve all the bad luck. Everyone in my group where feeling weird of my bad mood about this incidence. They don’t know my history. They didn’t understand why I am so upset about a camera. Luckily I found my camera. It WAS in my bag in a different pocket no matter how many times I had checked every pocket. I’m glad I found it but after the incidence I’ve felt very weird and ashamed. We went for a hike in the morning which was really good ‘cos exercising is the best way to lift your mood. But I still don’t feel normal/the same as before the camera incidence. It changed also the social interaction with other group members. I came to Nepal to get some life experience – to do something wild while I’m still relatively young and free. On the inside I though nowadays only hope I will find the right person for me and that I can start to create “the normal life” with him. I do not want adventures anymore. I want peace and safety AND closeness!! I’m tired of being alone! Because I try to push myself to do things that aren’t what I really want ‘cos otherwise my life would just be like it was – going to work, exercising and being home alone feelibg my life goes totally wasted, so I decided I try to do atleast Something different. But this Nepal showed me again what I really wish for… And it is hard ‘cos everyone around me are now having what I wish for – a good stable relationship, children or on their way, their own house, a dog etc. A normal adult life with a meaning. I am the only misfit amongst my family, relatives and work colleagues… So these emotions make me lose it sometimes over minor things that others don’t understand. And here in Nepal life is so poor. It is pretty depressing environment which doesn’t really help me with my emotional problems 😀 I still don’t know what could I do to change the direction of my life and especially how to find mental peace that lasts! Well early in the morning I will hop on a bus here with a guy from Brazil that’s been on this same group with me these past 5 days. We’ll go to Pokhara for two nights. There we try to manage to see the Mount Everest on a sunrise and then paragliding… 😀 not my thing really and I am nervous about it but that guy says I need to try it so what the heck. Hopefully everything goes fine?! After Pokhara I will start my volunteering work – first at school and then in a kindergarten. Then there’s still one week to go here but it will be again “a holiday” – water rafting (the water is very cold), sleeping outside, trekking and some jungle activities in Chitwan. WhenI come back home there will soon be born two babies in my family. It’s awesome but also makes me sad – why can’t I find the love… Anyway, if you are dreaming about doing some voluntary work abroad, be prepared – this is much harder than you would have thought. But if you can handle the difficult emotions and even enjoy then it will be an experience you’ll remember.
Life is weird and crazy. Not until you surrender and take life as it comes you can be free to enjoy it. Still life will throw stones on your path but you will be more grounded and not get so freeked out. For years I have had difficulties to take life as it is. I have been stuck with old things that I STILL wish would have gone in a different way. I have been stuck with anger, guilt, shame and disappointments. Because I have been stuck on those old things I haven’t been able to really enjoy life for a very long time. And it has cost me a lot of new troubles (with relationships). Now at the age of 31 I have realized it is time to let go. I feel like I haven’t been living in the present for way too long time.
I am now in Kathmandu, Nepal. I came here 2,5 weeks ago and I still have the same amount of time to be here. It has been Difficult to adjust here. I am here living with 17-20 something year-olds who still have the ability to take life as it is and chill out and enjoy. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and frustration because this is SO different environment and life style what I am used to. I still have difficult feelings but I have slowly started to surrender for this experience. I need to learn to take life as it comes without trying to force it to go in some specific way. I have never been good at just taking it easy. But here I really can’t escape anything. I am forced to confront many things that I would rather escape from. Especially being close to other people all the time is difficult for me. I can’t hide my emotions nor anything.
Life in Kathmandu is crazy. Here the air we breathe is one of the most polluted on this earth. The streets are sandy and muddy, the traffic is Crazy and there’s people (and stray dogs and cats) Everywhere. I am from Finland where we have beautiful nature, clean air and a lot of personal space and everything is so organized. So it has been a big cultural shock here. People are though very nice and helpful and the children are adorable. I have been couple days teaching in a school and now I am in a kindergarten. This trip is very challenging for me in many ways but I hope it will change me for better (helping me to let go of things and take it easier).
In Finland when I go back many of my close relatives (who are around my age) have given birth and are living a life that I would like to live… I wish I could finally meet the right man for me and make it last with him. I also want to get free from those old shackles and be free to enjoy the rest of my life. I am very worried about my future but I need to try to forget that and be hopeful.
So the main line in this whole writing was that surrender yourself to life – don’t try to force it to be something. Let go your expectations and shoulds and try to free yourself. “Angels fly because they take themselves lightly”. It is not easy but the more we practise something the better we become in it. I wish good luck for everyone.
Prayer flags in the wind on the top of Nagarkot hill.