Life is weird and crazy. Not until you surrender and take life as it comes you can be free to enjoy it. Still life will throw stones on your path but you will be more grounded and not get so freeked out. For years I have had difficulties to take life as it is. I have been stuck with old things that I STILL wish would have gone in a different way. I have been stuck with anger, guilt, shame and disappointments. Because I have been stuck on those old things I haven’t been able to really enjoy life for a very long time. And it has cost me a lot of new troubles (with relationships). Now at the age of 31 I have realized it is time to let go. I feel like I haven’t been living in the present for way too long time.
I am now in Kathmandu, Nepal. I came here 2,5 weeks ago and I still have the same amount of time to be here. It has been Difficult to adjust here. I am here living with 17-20 something year-olds who still have the ability to take life as it is and chill out and enjoy. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and frustration because this is SO different environment and life style what I am used to. I still have difficult feelings but I have slowly started to surrender for this experience. I need to learn to take life as it comes without trying to force it to go in some specific way. I have never been good at just taking it easy. But here I really can’t escape anything. I am forced to confront many things that I would rather escape from. Especially being close to other people all the time is difficult for me. I can’t hide my emotions nor anything.
Life in Kathmandu is crazy. Here the air we breathe is one of the most polluted on this earth. The streets are sandy and muddy, the traffic is Crazy and there’s people (and stray dogs and cats) Everywhere. I am from Finland where we have beautiful nature, clean air and a lot of personal space and everything is so organized. So it has been a big cultural shock here. People are though very nice and helpful and the children are adorable. I have been couple days teaching in a school and now I am in a kindergarten. This trip is very challenging for me in many ways but I hope it will change me for better (helping me to let go of things and take it easier).
In Finland when I go back many of my close relatives (who are around my age) have given birth and are living a life that I would like to live… I wish I could finally meet the right man for me and make it last with him. I also want to get free from those old shackles and be free to enjoy the rest of my life. I am very worried about my future but I need to try to forget that and be hopeful.
So the main line in this whole writing was that surrender yourself to life – don’t try to force it to be something. Let go your expectations and shoulds and try to free yourself. “Angels fly because they take themselves lightly”. It is not easy but the more we practise something the better we become in it. I wish good luck for everyone.
Prayer flags in the wind on the top of Nagarkot hill.
It is again time after emotionally stressful Christmas. I am exhausted. The holiday time contained so many different emotions for me (extreme anxious, desperation, anger, shame, guilt, joy…) that I feel like I need time off to recover from the last 10 days. I don’t understand why I am the way I am. Why I am not so interested about other people and normal life things the way people usually are? I like others and I do need socializing but feels like I need it much less than average people. Normal life makes me exhausted. Life feels like running in a hamster’s wheel. I can’t be so energetic nor social than people try to make me be. (I have very social relatives and they all live in a very traditional way which makes me anxious because that way of living just doesn’t seem to suit for me). I have always been weird. I have been wondering if I am an (outgoing) introvert or do I have Asperger’s syndrome or is this just one way of living in the spectrum of normality. I need A LOT of time to be just by myself. I get stressed with others because they stress over things. Everyone has so many opinions and they discuss about others and judge them and just don’t seem to understand that some people like to live in a different way and need alone time… Mental illnesses are also kinda a taboo amongst the people I live with… I feel always others think I am weird and a bad person because I withdraw from the stress and I don’t have interest to ramble all the time about other people nor stay in touch with others as much as I should. My aim is just to try to find some peace in this crazy life… I also have A LOT of negative emotions from the past that are related to my life and some of my relatives (I am very emotional and sensitive). And all of this emotional chaos and stress just feels overwhelming when you can’t escape from it. And others don’t really truly understand me when I try to explain my feelings. I have a lot of relatives and I am thankful that they keep in touch with each other. But the older I’ve become the more I’ve started to notice that I just want to live in my own way. It feels also sad because that makes me lonely. I am trying to get rid of the traditions and be different while the social pressure makes me feel I should try to be like others. I have tried – trust me (!) but I just can’t make my life work like others can. I also feel my personality is different than the people I grew up with have. I feel I am more bubbly and louder and I need much more experiences while others seem to be more reserved and are happy with traditional life. I feel so bad everywhere (amongst people) that I wish I could just escape to somewhere by myself. Also my work is social. I like socializing but in my own way without any pressure. It feels impossible to find people I feel good with. I am also physically totally exhausted. I have been also wondering for years already if I have some kind of chronic fatigue syndrome. My relatives nor people at work doesn’t believe in such things either… So I am totally lost with life. How can I make it work the way I feel good with? How to find peace within yourself AND related to others? I know I am not alone with these kind of feelings in this world but I do feel I am alone in my own environment. I have been to different psycho therapies for years and read A LOT of self help books and blogs and took part of spiritual courses. I feel I’ve done EVERYTHING to find sense in my life. Maybe the way is just to give up. Give up trying to be liked by others and give up trying to live in the way I am expected. I just wish others wouldn’t consider me as a bad person… Because I am not. I wish only the best for others although I can’t always take part of others’ joy. I wish other people could relax a bit too… We have this life and it is now. I do not understand why we have to rush and why we are so stuck with the traditions and expectations. I think we can live this life in many different ways. The most important thing for me is just to find inner peace and happiness.