Totally lost?

My life has been a joke. I’ve never had anything of my own. I’ve never really had my own friends, my own hobbies, my own anything. I grew up with a big sister (3 years older) who has ALWAYS had so much more competence on everything. She has had really good friends, nice hobbies with friends, she found a good man she is happy with over ten years ago, they have their own apartment, good social circle, a baby and everything.

 

I grew up trying to be like her. I never had really good friends (they were unreliable and not so close to me although I tried), I was in the same theater group (younger ones) that she was, in the same dance group, I wanted always to be with her and her best friend (who was some kind of soulmate to her), I wanted to be liked like her. But no. I have never been anything like her. I was always in the shadows. Even all our relatives chose always her company over mine and she chose other people’s company over mine.

 

My whole life I have been crying why she and other people don’t seem to like me and why I can never succeed like her. My whole life has been a joke – not my own. Now as the age of 32,5 I realize I have nothing. My life is empty. None of my friendships nor relationships with boys have really succeeded. I have “friends” but because I always tried to be something else than the real me, none of my friendships really satisfy me. They are created for the “false” side of me. I have woken up and I am in the middle of a really big existential crisis. I feel I have to start from the bottom like a child. I have to get to know the real me, try to find “real” friendships (not so easy as an adult anymore) and I have to try to cope with the idea I may never find the right match for me nor get the chance to have children. At the same time the people close to me (that I haven’t been really in contact for some years now) are ALL doing well in life (really). The are all proceeding in life safe and securely. The have partners, houses, children, getting married etc etc. And me – well I am just the odd person who no one gets. I am the person with troubles. I’ve noticed that even a psychotherapist doesn’t really get me. I feel I am totally alone emotionally.

 

This is just a silly rant for no one. I just can’t cope with my thoughts anymore. I’ve tried to cope with them my whole life already. I’ve been feeling less or more suicidal since I was 13. Soon it will be 20 years. And even before that I wasn’t feeling well. I really don’t understand what is the meaning of my life – to work? If I can’t be happy in the real world I don’t know what I should do. I feel I’ve already lost the game. I know it is stupid but that is how I feel. I am physically healthy, I have good job, I have intelligence and I look quite nice (that’s what I’ve heard). But because I can’t manage with relationships and I ALWAYS feel lonely even amongst people it takes the bottom from everything… It is crazy. In a very tiny fractions on some days I feel I am the luckiest person in the world but then something reminds me of other things and I fall in the dark whole again. Why normal close relationships are so hard for me??? I really try!!! I blame the attachment theory/relationship with my parents a lot for it (I think there is something neurologically wrong with me also though). Maybe I am mildly Asperger AND my attachment especially with my mother is nonexistent so there’s the problem… If I’m honest I really truly do not think anyone truly understands me (not even my dad although he thinks so…). NO ONE understand what kind of inner suffering my WHOLE life has been!

 

If I can finally be my real self, others don’t expect too much from me and I have enough time to be by myself (but not totally and always!) then I am happy. If I just didn’t need to meet my all so awesome and normal peers, cousins, sister etc. then I can be okay. But I do need to be in contact with them. So what’s the point of my writing? Nothing. I just needed a place to say what I really feel behind my social masks.

Trying to find my way of living.

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