It is again time after emotionally stressful Christmas. I am exhausted. The holiday time contained so many different emotions for me (extreme anxious, desperation, anger, shame, guilt, joy…) that I feel like I need time off to recover from the last 10 days. I don’t understand why I am the way I am. Why I am not so interested about other people and normal life things the way people usually are? I like others and I do need socializing but feels like I need it much less than average people. Normal life makes me exhausted. Life feels like running in a hamster’s wheel. I can’t be so energetic nor social than people try to make me be. (I have very social relatives and they all live in a very traditional way which makes me anxious because that way of living just doesn’t seem to suit for me). I have always been weird. I have been wondering if I am an (outgoing) introvert or do I have Asperger’s syndrome or is this just one way of living in the spectrum of normality. I need A LOT of time to be just by myself. I get stressed with others because they stress over things. Everyone has so many opinions and they discuss about others and judge them and just don’t seem to understand that some people like to live in a different way and need alone time… Mental illnesses are also kinda a taboo amongst the people I live with… I feel always others think I am weird and a bad person because I withdraw from the stress and I don’t have interest to ramble all the time about other people nor stay in touch with others as much as I should. My aim is just to try to find some peace in this crazy life… I also have A LOT of negative emotions from the past that are related to my life and some of my relatives (I am very emotional and sensitive). And all of this emotional chaos and stress just feels overwhelming when you can’t escape from it. And others don’t really truly understand me when I try to explain my feelings. I have a lot of relatives and I am thankful that they keep in touch with each other. But the older I’ve become the more I’ve started to notice that I just want to live in my own way. It feels also sad because that makes me lonely. I am trying to get rid of the traditions and be different while the social pressure makes me feel I should try to be like others. I have tried – trust me (!) but I just can’t make my life work like others can. I also feel my personality is different than the people I grew up with have. I feel I am more bubbly and louder and I need much more experiences while others seem to be more reserved and are happy with traditional life. I feel so bad everywhere (amongst people) that I wish I could just escape to somewhere by myself. Also my work is social. I like socializing but in my own way without any pressure. It feels impossible to find people I feel good with. I am also physically totally exhausted. I have been also wondering for years already if I have some kind of chronic fatigue syndrome. My relatives nor people at work doesn’t believe in such things either… So I am totally lost with life. How can I make it work the way I feel good with? How to find peace within yourself AND related to others? I know I am not alone with these kind of feelings in this world but I do feel I am alone in my own environment. I have been to different psycho therapies for years and read A LOT of self help books and blogs and took part of spiritual courses. I feel I’ve done EVERYTHING to find sense in my life. Maybe the way is just to give up. Give up trying to be liked by others and give up trying to live in the way I am expected. I just wish others wouldn’t consider me as a bad person… Because I am not. I wish only the best for others although I can’t always take part of others’ joy. I wish other people could relax a bit too… We have this life and it is now. I do not understand why we have to rush and why we are so stuck with the traditions and expectations. I think we can live this life in many different ways. The most important thing for me is just to find inner peace and happiness.
Exactly 100 years ago this tiny Nordic and poor country got an important independence. And 100 years later we have made this country one of the best in this world!!! (education, equality, technology, safety, health care, fresh air, environment etc etc). I am so extremely grateful for those generations who had to fight during the years and new wars and keep our independence and build this country every time after wars had ruined everything. This includes my close relatives! I couldn’t be more proud of Finnish gut (SISU) and the attitude that we will survive and make things even better by hard work in very hard weather conditions. Thank you all! In memory my grandmother Elsa 🙂 I understand my own personality nowadays better by hearing stories about my relatives 🙂
By the way – we have this huge and important party in the presidential residence where they invite every independence day a bit under 2000 quests that have made something important. This year one of my closest’s friend’s father is there with his wife 😀 That is cool. Congratulations Finland and keep on going!